Dealing with Death: Good bye Aunt Judy

***This is a fairly long, emotional post. This has been written in a time of grief to help me cope with the loss of a loved one. Please excuse typos, as it is hard to correct one's errors when tears are flowing freely. ***

Death.... Death.... Death. No matter how many times one says it, experiences the loss, or how we sugar coat it, death is the end all. Death is the one true equalizer. None of us can escape Deaths cold grasp. Even in life we feel him on our necks and in our hearts when a loved one passes. So what can one say to help a grieving loved one move on from the wake of Death's touch? Nothing. Really the answer is nothing. The pain never truly subsides. Its always there, a small patch of pain that just waits for the right memory to trigger it. And with each passing of a loved one, cherished pet, or even a mere acquaintance that patch of pain grows. The number of triggers increases and we find ourselves dwelling on the pain a little more each time those triggers are met. So how does one cope? How does one help a loved one move forward?

I myself have experienced Death's presence more than I would care for. Then again who has not. As a small child of 12 I welcomed  Death into my home with the decision to put a beloved pet down. To end his suffering. Something to this day I struggle with. Did I make the right choice? Should I have not let him hold on a little longer? As an adult I know I made the right, humane, and ultimately loving choice. He was in pain constantly. Nothing gave him relief. But when that patch of pain is triggered and I weep my tears for him I wonder and doubt my choice. So how did I move on? I was  12 and in the process of moving to an entirely new state. I kept busy. I did not dwell on it. I even got a new pet, but at night when my mind was at rest from the days toils,  tears would flow. They flowed for a long time for my loyal and beloved companion. Even today, when Death graces me and my family once more, I weep too for my Buddy and miss his loud bark as cars passed the house.

I mentioned moving to another state. One of the distractions I had was the first friend I made when moving and sadly would be my first experience in the loss of a humane friend. This young women was so kind to me, though quite odd and a bit of an outcast herself at the time. She was the first to reach out to me. To talk and laugh with me. A familiar face in almost all of my classes that first week of school. I was not merely the new kid to her, but rather a new friend. Unfortunately we grew apart. A small spat over something petty and a friendship was ended. Hard feelings were not had, a couple years time  passed and in high school we were acquaintances. Though not bosom buddies I found my heart breaking when I heard the news of her passing. A sudden deadly illness and Death graced the halls of our small town. A community weeped. That once loner found her people in her few short years of High School, and was loved by many. I did not know how to handle the death of a fellow humane being. Most would say it hurts more than that of a pet, though I have never found that to be the case with me. It was a loss of a life, one I had become use to having around me. And like that it was gone. So many regrets. Why did I not go up to Sarah in the hall last week like I wanted? Why did I not put the squabbles of the past where they belong and reclaim the friendship that welcomed me that first week? I coped with the loss of this acquaintance... no, friend by attending her memorial. By telling the story of how our friendship sparked, and telling of her oddities that made her so enduring to me. This was also the day I finally changed my mind set and decided to find the good in everything. For this day I pledge to not let myself live in regret.I shall regret doing, but never regret not and wondering what would happen if I had.

Prior to Sarah's death I had lost another pet. When we moved, we moved to a farm. And despite the Grandmother, who's farm it was, not wanting me to have a cat, my dad did just that. It was my birthday the same month we moved, just barely a month from the loss of my beloved Buddy. And my father felt I needed a new pet, and as he had always told me I could not have a cat until we moved to a farm, he really didn't care what my Grandmother, his mother, had to say about it. Besides my uncle had moved there to, bringing along his pregnant cat, can you see where this is going? Later that evening my father announced that Abby, my uncles cat, had her kittens. In two months time I got to have one of those fur balls. The only male in the bunch, which I named Angel. Sadly I had only a short year with him. Despite living on a farm, we are not far enough out of the city and there is still a decent amount of traffic on our road. I woke one cold, foggy Saturday morning to my neighbor knocking on our door. He had found my precious Angel in the road. We do not know who hit him, only that his life was gone. This was right before Halloween, though I was breaking inside I told my  parents I wanted everyone to do everything they had planned that day. I did not want to dwell as I had with Buddy. It hurt too much. So we went costume shopping as planned. In honor of my precious little Angel I picked out cat years and a tail and wore his collar around my wrist. Every time the bell jingled my heart leapt as for an instant I thought somehow he had come back to me. He was buried in our back yard and a headstone placed for him. After several months of me staring at his headstone and crying myself to sleep at night, it was decided another cat to fill me heart with love was the best path to take. In April my stubborn Princy Kitty was born. After Sarah's passing, Death would not darken my hallways for a few more years.

After high school I went off to college. I came home for Thanksgiving. I was excited to see my Princy Kitty and my dad's dog, he was the family dog but dad was his person. They went hiking and fishing and even hunting together. He was loyal to my dad and to Buddy, he mopped when Buddy died. As Prince mopped when he died. I got home the day before Thanksgiving. I had been on the bus all night and just wanted to sit, relax and open my mail. The moment I walked in the door Korky wanted my attention. He was hyper, even at his age, and just wanted to say hi. I patted his head but did not play, I kind of ignored him. This brings me sorrow even to this day. I now know Korky was hanging on. He was waiting for me to come home. I was not even home an hour when in the middle of the living room, right in front of me and my parents, Korky let out a howl of pain. His legs shot back. My dad went to him. And I knew before his words left his mouth "I think my dad just died". Than anguish in his voice brings tears to my eyes as I type about it. He loved that dog, as he does all our pets. It hurt us all when he died that day. We did not take him in to be examined but we are sure he had a heart attack. Which, is only fitting for what will come five short years later. We buried him. My dad did not leave a marker and I could not bring myself to be present. I had plans to go to the movies with a friend that day, and I let her drag me out of the house still. For the pain was just to hard to cope with in the moment.  I think Korky is one I never really coped with. I have pushed that pain back to spare myself. Of all my pets, Korky is the hardest to think about and I feel that is because of my regret in not playing with him like he wanted. I miss him. No pet will ever compare to Korky our little hoover.

About a year after graduating high school I would become quite active in my youth group. Much more active than I had been when I was still in school. I made a close friend. I had known her for a bit know but as two adults, especially adults with cars, we could do much more fun things. She was a State Officer for our youth group and an assembly leader for an assembly on the other side of the state. She had moved back to our side but traveled a couple times a month to attend their meetings and events. She did not want to let her girls down. I admired this about her. I even traveled with her about a week before the accident happened. Because of this the night before the accident she attended my assembly's meeting. She encouraged me to apply for a state office and ask our Supreme Inspector (the adult in charge of the youth group in our state) to give me a majority extension. See I would be turning 20 before the term I would serve as a State Officer in would be over. 20 is when our youth group considers us adults and is time to move on. It was a great talk and she gave me many pointers for my letter. When our meeting was over she headed home. The next morning I got up and began to work on a dress I was making for her. I had some questions on how she wanted the color blocking and texted her to call me when she got out of class. I never got a response. A few hours later I found out why. I received a call from my Mother Advisor (adult in charge of local assembly). She asked if I had anyone home with me and if I was sitting. Once she was sure of this she gave me the bad news. Jamie had complained a few days before about a dog playing chicken with the cars on her drive home. They believe she swerved to avoiding hitting that dog, causing her to hit head on into a telephone pole. She died instantly. I take comfort in knowing she felt no pain, though even today my heart breaks as I speak about it. I had just seen her less than 24 hours before, how could she be gone. My friend, my mentor. I honored her memory by sitting down the next day and writing a letter to our supreme inspector. I told her about our trip to the other assembly and our conversation and how she encouraged me to ask for a majority extension. I told her that since my first Grand Assembly I had dreamed of being a Grand Officer (state officer) and how now I wanted it even more. I wanted to do it for Jamie too. At Grand Assembly there is a memorial service each year. To honor the girls and adult advisors who have passed in the last year. Jamie was the focal point. There is a flower ceremony done by the assembly of the girl who has passed. Jamie had two assemblies. I was advised I could partake in the ceremony as well as we had become so very close. I chose not too. I needed to sit with my assembly and be in their arms. I was devastated still. The next day was the announcement of the new years officers. I hope Jamie was watching when Mrs. Brown accepted my request for majority extension and named me Grand Representative to Oregon. The office I wanted, and all because of Jamie and her encouragement. I dedicated myself to my youth group that year, in her memory just as she dedicated herself. Even after majority I dedicated myself as an active adult advisor. In fact I was very active and dedicated every spare moment, that dedication helped me when Death came knocking yet again.

A couple years later I had to miss an event for my youth group. It was imperative that I make a trip down to Portland Oregon. My original home, and a place where my extended family was centered. My grandfather, who I had not seen in years, was quite ill and in the hospital. So I took my mom and pregnant sister on a road trip to see him. It was hard to see him like this but I would like to believe that seeing us helped him in someway. It was not long after this trip that I would be  informed of his passing. We did not make it back down for his funeral, honestly I don't think my mom could have handled it anyway. By this time my nephew had been born and there were plenty of other family issues going on. My grandfather had served and was given a proper salute. I have been told that a recording was sent to my mom. I do not know if she watched it, I know I have not been able to bring myself to do so. I try very hard not to let the first image of him that comes to my mind be the one of him in the hospital. I try to remember the family reunions and the Christmas parties at his house. Sitting on his lap and the cards I got on my birthday every year. I miss my grandfather dearly  and if it had not been for the fact that I had a baby nephew to worry about I am not sure how exactly I would have coped with his passing. I helped with my nephew and I focused on my job. Part of me regrets not being able to make it down for the funeral, but after what happened the following year or so, I think it was for the best.

January 1st 2010. New Year's will never hold the same meaning for me again. It was a rough Christmas. My nephew had been taken from my sister's custody. She was in a treatment facility for drug addiction, and the facility was a 2 hour drive away. I missed quite a bit of my youth group events to take my nephew to visits with my sister. It was the only way for me to see him. Due to lies being told and my father's stubbornness, my nephew was not aloud to be in our home. After my nephew was taken my father only got to see him three times. My sister's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I myself was battling a deep depression. There were cop shootings going on, the issues my family was having, combined with my job and I just could not see how the world could be the way it was. See, I worked in a call center for a Medicare Insurance company. And we were gearing up for open enrollment period. This meant tones of angry phone calls of people complaining about their premiums going up. And while that is something one should be upset about, I couldn't get out of my head how people could be so upset and ranting about something so meaningless when there were things like cop shooting, school shooting and natural disasters going on. Like I said I had hit a deep depression and was wondering why we were even here on this earth. I cherished the holidays with my family. But that happiness would be short lived. Right after Christmas my dad got sick with the flue. We told him time and time again to go to the doctor, he being the stubborn man that he is, refused to go. I still lived at home, though we have two houses on the property so I was living next door. But I always had dinner with my parents and so constantly was harping on my dad to go to the doctor. On New Years even my dad had seemed to be doing better but my mom said other wise. Then on New years, late in the afternoon I got a panicked call from my mom telling me to get over there now. I walked into my my dad, blue in the face, and my mom desperately trying to administer CPR. I picked up the phone and called 911, but knew in my heart it was too late. My dad had the flue and all the vomiting had dislodged a bit of plaque. According to the coroner my dad had been suffering a heart attack for three days. I lost one of the people in my life that kept me going that day. My whole world crumbled. I held it together for my mom and sister. I called all the family members and gave them the bad news, called his friends and business partners. I took care of my mom's leave of absence  paperwork. I made the final call on decisions at the funeral home. I did everything. I will never forget my sisters screams of pain when I told her, or my grandmother's weeps as I told her that her baby boy had died. We did not have a funeral. We decided cremation was best and had a viewing set up in case my grandmother, who was quite ill, could come up from Arizona to see him one last time. On the last day of the viewing my mother, sister and I all decided to go see him. We decided we did not want to regret not doing so. I now wish I had not. As someone who wanted to get into crime scene investigation when I was younger, I even went to college for a short time with that pursuit in mind, I was quite shocked. I knew in my mind that when I reached out and touched his hand it would be hard and cold, but what I did not know is that knowing and being prepared for it are two separate things. That night I had horrible dreams, all stemming from going to the viewing. Add this to my lack of grieving as I dealt with everything and being a support for my mom, fearing I would loose her to her grief, and you have a recipe for PTSD. Something even six years later I am dealing with. I did not really cope this time when Death came knocking. I continue to just exists. On days like today it is even harder. A day like today happened not even a year after his passing.

After my father died my since of time was obscured for a while. So I do not remember how long after it happened. I was in the kitchen cooking for my fiance when I noticed the wall phone was flashing. We had voicemail. I am still quite angry that this was left on a voice mail and days after it had happened. Especially since the last I had heard she was doing better. My step grandfather, who I will admit I never liked but did take good care of my grandmother, left a message for my mom. My grandmother had passed away. Once again a family member I had not seen in years. We moved to Washington for my father to be closer to her, to be able to help out. But then she had to move to Arizona, some place warm for her ailments. I was not close with my paternal grandmother, but I loved her all the same. I coped with time with the comforting thought that she could finally rest, as my dad was, and would be with her baby boy again. I say baby boy as he was the youngest of her five children. Even today I take comfort in the fact that they are together again and that she is with her late husband who died of cancer when I was quite young, I never got to know him. My father's father, who was not there much as he was growing up, is up there too. I hope that in heaven he has gotten to know his father more then he did here on earth.

Once can experience so much death in their own lives and still have  no clue what to do when death enters the life of a loved one. Not long after I met my husband, a dear family friend of his passed from breast cancer. From what I could see Connie was very loved and had fought quite the battle. But I did not know how to comfort my husband. I attended the memorial with him, stood by his side and held his hand. That is all I really could do. Last year I had to do this all over again. His cousin committed suicide and not long after his grandmother, who he had been quite close with, passed away. I hope he took comfort in the fact that his grandmother, who had severe dementia and Alzheimer's, is now at rest. His cousin is a hard one. This was the first time of really explaining death to my step son. He was quite the trooper though and was loving and supportive to daddy. Though I do not think he can quite comprehend the difference between the two types of death. He cries, but when he sees daddy sad he comforts him. And that is all I can really do for either of them. Hold them, love them and offer to be there however they may need me.

Since my father has passed I have lost my beloved tabby Prince. He was quite old and I knew the time was coming. Though we do not really have closure as he just disappeared one day. Living were we do I choose to think he wandered off to die rather then an wild animal snagged his slowing body. We also lost my sisters loyal companion Bubba. He was rescued by my sister as a pup. Someone had thrown him into the river to drown, she jumped in to save him. He was black lab mix and protector our family. He was the first dog any of us have had since Korky died. He was loyal and so lovable. He had cancer on his front leg joint. When we could no longer manage his pain my sister put him down. I still struggle with this a bit as I was out of town. They didn't wait the 12 hours before I would be home so I did not get to say goodbye. They buried him too before I got home, so I am not quite sure where he is as they left no marker. Another beloved pet I will not be able to visit.

Now, here I am today. Talking about my experience with death and how I have coped. Why? Because Death has darkened our doors once again. My Great Aunt Judy passed. She found too late she had cancer. I have not seen her since before I moved. Well over 16 years. All my memories of her are good. Her place in Colton was where our family like to have get togethers. I remember my sister and I chasing my cousin Chase, yes we chased him because of his name, around her house. One of the uncles had pipped up telling us to stop running in the house before we broke something. Aunt Judy said "aww, they are just kids having fun. They wont harm anything, let the be." I also remember that she would give us extra cookies and things when our parents said we had enough junk food. I do not see those memories clearly, I barely remember her face. If it was not for facebook I do not think I would remember at all what she looked like. But I do remember her loving kindness and the way my mom speaks about her. She is loved and will be missed. So how am I coping with this loss? Crying, and typing. Typing about how death has impacted me.

Each encounter with death has been unique. Each with its own pain, regret, and level of healing. So how does one move on from death? You just do. There is no how to, no instructions and words to teach one to move on. You just do. You do what you need to and let time dull the pain. And when those moments arise you let that scab rip open and the tears flow. Until the day we all meet again.